The Psychology of Lying – From Small Lies to Big Ones: How Deception Is Built
- Apr 30
- 4 min read
If we want to understand lies in a simpler way, from the perspective of the psychology of lying, I believe it is useful to divide them into two main categories. There are so-called “simple” lies, which often arise spontaneously and whose primary purpose is to reduce internal tension. In contrast, there are complex lies, which are often made up of multiple elements and are not only aimed at relieving a momentary discomfort, but at actively influencing and manipulating another person’s perception of reality.
Small Lies in Everyday Life
In everyday life, when we talk about lying, we often think of minor things, such as a so-called “white lie.” For example, when someone says, “I’m fine,” while they actually know they are not, but they either cannot talk about it or simply do not want to go into it.
These small distortions in daily communication are not born out of malicious intent. Their goal is usually to avoid uncomfortable feelings (such as conflict or complaint), and a key characteristic is that the person is fully aware that the lie has no real consequence on the other person’s life.
When Lies Become Elaborate Stories
In psychological counseling, clients rarely come in complaining about small lies. Instead, they often describe life situations in which their partner has created carefully constructed false narratives.
In these cases, the lie is no longer a small white lie, but a complex script whose clear purpose is to rewrite reality and influence (and often manipulate) the other person’s perception of truth and goodwill.
For example, someone may present a believable situation in which their mother is seriously ill and therefore they need financial support, while in reality the mother is perfectly healthy, and the money is simply needed because they have run out of savings. Or someone may create a story of being single and lonely on a dating platform, while hiding their real marital status and a significant part of their life.
When such a carefully constructed story is eventually uncovered by a trusting partner, and it turns out that a strongly believed reality was either completely false or missing key elements, the experience becomes more than just unpleasant.
On one hand, the trust in the relationship is shaken. On the other hand, feelings of exploitation and being “led on” appear. A question that often arises in therapy is:“Why was I the one who became a victim of this? Why was my kindness taken advantage of?”
In addition, the betrayed person may experience a sense that part of their past is missing, as if a portion of their life has been “stolen,” because there is a deep and difficult-to-bridge gap between what they believed and what actually happened.
The greater this gap, and the more extensive the deception, the stronger the emotional confusion and psychological pain tend to be.
The intensity of suffering is also reflected in the fact that complex lies can sometimes trigger very strong emotional reactions. For example, when an adult cuts off all contact with their parents after discovering only in adulthood that they were adopted.
In such cases, we could rightly call these “cruel lies,” but for the sake of consistency, we will continue using the term “complex lies.”
The Neurology of Lying – and How to Protect Yourself
At the same time, it can be helpful to understand the process from the other side as well, from a neurological perspective. This is where the psychology of lying becomes particularly interesting, as brain processes also play a role in how lying becomes easier over time.
How does the brain of someone who constructs lies actually work?
The amygdala is a key brain region responsible for emotional reactions. For example, it is involved in the experience of guilt – that feeling of “I just lied, so I feel bad.”
Research shows that during the first instances of lying, the amygdala is strongly activated. However, with repeated dishonesty, amygdala activity decreases (Sharot et al., 2016, The brain adapts to dishonesty, Nature Neuroscience).
In practice, this often means that at first the person feels more tension, hesitation, or internal conflict. Later, however, this internal “signal” becomes weaker and quieter.
Lying is not automatic; it requires cognitive effort. In contrast, telling the truth is more natural because it does not require constructing or maintaining alternative narratives (Vrij, 2008, Detecting Lies and Deceit).
People who lie frequently require less and less cognitive effort over time. In other words, lying becomes easier (Ariely, 2012, The Honest Truth About Dishonesty).
This is why, after a while, their stories may become smoother and more effortless. Not because they become “better liars,” but because the process faces fewer internal psychological barriers.
At a certain point, lying may even become “natural” for the person.
It is also not surprising that individuals with higher narcissistic traits often evaluate themselves as more skilled and capable liars (SAGE Open, 2022).
At this point, it is important to let go of self-blame, because in relationships where reality distortion is repeated (for example, in narcissistic dynamics), the trusting partner may increasingly struggle to recognize deception.
Why It Is Important to Pay Attention Early
Although the most serious emotional harm in relationships usually comes from complex, structured lies, it is still important to pay attention to small inconsistencies and contradictions early on. These can often signal the beginning of a larger pattern of deception.
It is also common that a trusting partner, due to their nature, more easily forgives small lies at the beginning of a relationship, especially if they do not seem significant. However, these early signs may be exactly what deserves attention, awareness, and reflection, because small lies can easily grow into carefully constructed narratives over time.
Understanding the psychology of lying can help us recognize these patterns earlier and respond to them more consciously.
