It Doesn’t Have to Feel Good – Real Change Usually Hurts

1. When “Average” Is Actually Much Worse

When someone is asked how they feel in their relationship, the word “average” comes up surprisingly often. But as we slow down, speak softly, and start going deeper, it usually becomes clear that this “average” is far worse than it sounds.

Someone rating their relationship as average might say something like:

• “I realized I don’t look forward to the moment they crawl into bed next to me.”

• Or another: “I feel this relationship no longer lifts me up. It’s arguments and criticism every day, yet I stay.”

When we truly listen to these sentences, we sense immediately: this is not a moderately functioning relationship. Women, especially, tend not to say openly that they’re unhappy, because they’re understanding, because they don’t want to hurt anyone. They tone things down. The accepting woman adapts and remains in a “tolerable” state, the grey zone of quiet dissatisfaction.

In many cases, “average” hides long-standing emotional misalignments, shifts that make the relationship feel anything but elevating.

2. Safety Is Stronger Than We Think

Psychology tells us that the fear of change is completely natural. Because of our ancient mammalian heritage, our brains are wired for safety and stability. Every new change is registered as a potential threat.

Behavioral researchers have even shown that the need for safety can be stronger than the need for food.

So it’s not surprising that women who value security highly often choose to stay, even in a relationship that no longer feels good.

3. When Truth Wins in a Quiet Moment

I often see how carefully we tiptoe around the truth. In my work, I witness again and again how difficult it is for someone to let in what they have long felt but haven’t yet said out loud.

In a marriage, a long-term partnership, or a living-together situation, in a quiet, intimate moment, the real feeling suddenly takes over: the recognition that I am not happy, that “average” was never truly average, and that it’s time to leave.

Interestingly, six months or a year later, when someone looks back at their old relationship, nothing about it seems “average” anymore.

4. Change Hurts — and That’s How It Should Be

The good news is that you can outsmart your mind, once you accept that change rarely feels pleasant. When you finally make a decision that genuinely serves your well-being, it will almost never feel good at first. It’s supposed to hurt, because real inner restructuring always comes with tension.

The body resists, the nervous system tightens, not because you’re on the wrong path, but because you’re learning something new. From an interpersonal psychological perspective, this discomfort is completely normal, and often it’s the very sign that the change is touching the right place.

Letting go usually hurts because our brain clings to what is familiar, even when it no longer serves us. But recognizing the truth early and releasing what’s no longer right creates space for something better. It buys you time. And this kind of letting go is not a sign of giving up, it’s a sign of maturity and trust. It says: I trust the bigger order, and I trust that what’s coming will bring me closer to real happiness.

And no, it doesn’t have to feel good. It only has to be true.

If you’d like more clarity about your boundaries, the real dynamics of your relationship, and how you can move forward in a stronger way, you can book a 1:1 clarity session in Budapest or online.

You can also message me on Instagram: @antonia.bai, word: CALM.

If you’d like to read another blog on this topic, you can do so by clicking here.

This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional medical or psychological diagnosis or advice. If you experience any physical or mental health concerns, please seek support from a qualified professional.

© 2025 Antonia Bai Psychology. All texts and materials are the intellectual property of Antonia Bai. Copying, republishing, or using any part of these writings, images, or excerpts in any form is only permitted with the prior authorisation of the author.